Thesis

[hawkwing_lb]

I hate everything and I want to be done so badly. I would dig it out of my veins with a dull knife, if I could. But that will not get it done.

I am over-committed with Freelance Stuff. And yet I can't let any of that go, because September holds my last IRC paycheque, and little as the freelance stuff pays for the amount of effort I need to put in, it's far far better than the nothing that will be coming to me otherwise. I don't have enough in savings to feel safe to last until March, and I won't be able to contribute much if at all to the household expenses.

Which sucks fucking rocks, because mum having been on sickleave for two years (and "our share" of gran's funeral expenses) means we're well deep in the fucking hole, and with one income we're going to keep sinking.

I hate this. I fucking hate it. I hate feeling like my body doesn't belong to me anymore, because going to do exercise takes brain and effort that often seems in short supply, and I slack off and eat chocolate and drink too much caffeinated syrup and stare at the walls.

I hate this. And saying "Nearly there, nearly there," isn't as helpful as I could wish - because if I'm nearly there, what the fuck happens next? (And why the fuck is it so hard to get to THE END in the meanwhile, anyway?) I'm twenty-eight years old and I feel like I've made a shitload of poor life decisions in choosing what to focus on. Maybe I should've picked the dole queue after my undergrad degree and tried... something else.

And yet. I love learning stuff. And talking about it.

So why do I hate this so much?

I just want to be done.

Comments

[byzantienne]

The last four months are, in my recent experience, the worst. It's just sheer horror. And the job market doesn't help.

I don't know what to say, except solidarity, and if we ever spatially coincide, I'll spot you a drink.

[hawkwing_lb]

Sigh.

Thanks. I'll hold you to that.

[sovay]

So why do I hate this so much?

Because worrying about eviction has a way of damping even the most knowledge-loving spirit? Seriously, you are not a bad academic, or a bad critic, or a bad person for being stressed by horrible life circumstances. It is very difficult to focus on your thesis when you have no idea how you're going to keep from spiraling into an endless crater of depression and debt. That's distracting.

I am also given to understand that even people who are not as stressed by horrible life circumstances often hate their PhD programs by the time they are nearly done with them; it's a factor of having worked on the same project for so long and it isn't done yet. Novels can be the same way. Also pregnancies, but I think that's a slightly different issue. (At a particular stressful point in her labor with my brother, my mother famously announced that she was done with having this baby and she was leaving right now. Which . . . didn't work, in practical terms, but no one could tell her it wasn't a valid reaction to eighteen hours of not yet baby.)

Anyway. This situation sucks, but you are not doing anything wrong by thinking it sucks. Just in case you needed reinforcement.

[beth-bernobich.livejournal.com]

What she said. *hugs*

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thanks.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

Eviction is not going to be a problem. Probably. (I tend to catastrophise. It is a thing. But damn I feel trapped by it all.)

Thank you. I appreciate it.