Thesis

I hate everything and I want to be done so badly. I would dig it out of my veins with a dull knife, if I could. But that will not get it done.

I am over-committed with Freelance Stuff. And yet I can't let any of that go, because September holds my last IRC paycheque, and little as the freelance stuff pays for the amount of effort I need to put in, it's far far better than the nothing that will be coming to me otherwise. I don't have enough in savings to feel safe to last until March, and I won't be able to contribute much if at all to the household expenses.

Which sucks fucking rocks, because mum having been on sickleave for two years (and "our share" of gran's funeral expenses) means we're well deep in the fucking hole, and with one income we're going to keep sinking.

I hate this. I fucking hate it. I hate feeling like my body doesn't belong to me anymore, because going to do exercise takes brain and effort that often seems in short supply, and I slack off and eat chocolate and drink too much caffeinated syrup and stare at the walls.

I hate this. And saying "Nearly there, nearly there," isn't as helpful as I could wish - because if I'm nearly there, what the fuck happens next? (And why the fuck is it so hard to get to THE END in the meanwhile, anyway?) I'm twenty-eight years old and I feel like I've made a shitload of poor life decisions in choosing what to focus on. Maybe I should've picked the dole queue after my undergrad degree and tried... something else.

And yet. I love learning stuff. And talking about it.

So why do I hate this so much?

I just want to be done.