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hawkwing_lbIt does its thing. The odd thing about it is how reliably weird it is, and how I do not recognise until it has already happened why my life is full of rage and vile spite and uncertainty.
At some level, at some points in time, my brain is fundamentally unconvinced that it deserves to ever experience good things. All good things are lies, or traps, or bait: they exist only to make a more pointed mark when they disappear. Whether it's depression, or anxiety, or a Catholic school education that's at the root of this I don't know. I do know that I have a terrible tendency to self-sabotage.
Take, for example, the fact that I have fought with my parent over stupid things tonight. And cannot sleep, and by not sleeping may encourage myself into a relapse of this gods-cursed illness that I thought was nearly done but no! I woke up with a wheeze again today.
Right now, insists my brain, I deserve it. To deserve nice things, one has to become the equivalent of a nun and dedicate one's life to good works. Which - here is the catch! - will never be sufficiently good.
Brain squirrels. At this rate I may need to shoot myself with a tranquiliser gun to shut them up.
Brains are weird. It will be better when I can gym again.
At some level, at some points in time, my brain is fundamentally unconvinced that it deserves to ever experience good things. All good things are lies, or traps, or bait: they exist only to make a more pointed mark when they disappear. Whether it's depression, or anxiety, or a Catholic school education that's at the root of this I don't know. I do know that I have a terrible tendency to self-sabotage.
Take, for example, the fact that I have fought with my parent over stupid things tonight. And cannot sleep, and by not sleeping may encourage myself into a relapse of this gods-cursed illness that I thought was nearly done but no! I woke up with a wheeze again today.
Right now, insists my brain, I deserve it. To deserve nice things, one has to become the equivalent of a nun and dedicate one's life to good works. Which - here is the catch! - will never be sufficiently good.
Brain squirrels. At this rate I may need to shoot myself with a tranquiliser gun to shut them up.
Brains are weird. It will be better when I can gym again.
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no subject
Date: 2013-10-01 01:52 am (UTC)Brain squirrels. At this rate I may need to shoot myself with a tranquiliser gun to shut them up.
This sounds so ridiculously appealing that it's not funny.
Also, thank you very much for reccing The Drowning Girl and Code Name Verity; I got them based on your descriptions and they're quite interesting so far! (Albeit being incorrigible in flipping to the end, I may not get the full wham of either).
no subject
Date: 2013-10-01 01:36 pm (UTC)Enjoy!
no subject
Date: 2013-10-02 06:14 am (UTC)(And as you have not read it, you may find it interesting when you're feeling better.)
Code Name Verity I can most assuredly blame on you, though. I wish this book had been around when I was sixteen; it has absolutely everything I want in YA: heroism and best-friendship and awesome young women and spies and torture and twist-the-knife sacrifice. But there are some parts I'm uneasy with or wonder where the editor was. Eg letting that cliched letter be attached to the end after Maddie's beautiful closing line. Still enjoying it quite a bit.
no subject
Date: 2013-10-02 01:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-02 07:47 pm (UTC)I have too much else to read
A most excellent problem.
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Date: 2013-10-02 10:29 pm (UTC)