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hawkwing_lbThis has probably been done in far more humorous ways. Still. I think I'll share.
ACT I: THE WEDDING OF THETIS AND PELEUS.
Enter STRIFE, bearing the golden apple of the Hesperides.
STRIFE: Somebody drop this?
APHRODITE: What a lovely apple. It belongs to me, of course.
ATHENA: You're wrong, sister. It's mine.
HERA: Now, girls. As Queen of the Gods - need I say more? - it's obviously mine by right.
They commence to squabble and recriminate.
ZEUS (wearily): Hermes, dear boy. Isn't it about time we set the doom of Troy in motion? Go find Paris, and let him judge which of these scheming harridans ought to have the immortal apple. He'll annoy at least two of them. That should be moderately entertaining. And at least Thetis won't come complaining to me that I let the family ruin her wedding.
HERMES: Okay, Dad. Ladies, we're going to find Paris Priam's son, because this is Thetis's wedding, and Dad doesn't want another family war, k?
HERA: If we must.
APHRODITE: Is he handsome?
ATHENA: This is not wise, Father.
Exit HERMES, shepherding the goddesses.
ACT II: A MEADOW ON THE HILL OF IDA.
Enter Hermes and goddesses.
HERMES: Paris, old man! Zeus needs you! Which of these lovely ladies should receive the golden apple of the Hesperides? Don't dally, now.
PARIS: Er. This is... unexpected?
HERA: You can see that the apple is obviously mine. Clearly. But if you should need to know more - well. You look like an upstanding young man. And a prince too, hmm? I can make you king over all Asia, you know.
ATHENA: That's what she always says.
HERA: I do not!
ATHENA: You always say that. And then Father gets huffy. And we all spend a week keeping our heads down until he tires of flinging thunderbolts, or until you take back whatever you promised without his consent. Listen to me, Paris. I am wisdom in war. With my favour, you'll lead armies and gain victories the like of which men have never before seen.
APHRODITE: Oh, like you know anything.
She undoes her robe.
No woman in Greece can match me, but you know what? Helen of Sparta comes close. I'll see to it that you marry her. Screw Menelaus - on second thought, don't. He never sacrifices to me properly.
PARIS (boggling): Er. Yes. Aphrodite. Yes. Her.
APHRODITE: Hah! (To Athena) Take that, you frigid hag! "I'm so great, I win big battles, I can wield a spear" - you're just like a man, with your ugly bronze - no, wait, I take that back. You don't know what you are. Loser.
ATHENA (tiredly): Put your clothes back on, you wanton Kuprian... thing. Father's not going to approve of this, you know. He likes Menelaus. So do I.
HERA (aside): Paris is going to meet a sticky end after this, I guarantee it. Hermes! Where are you? There you are! I need a lift back home. No, let your siblings make their own way back. It'll do them good, and if they miss the wedding party, at least we won't have to listen them sit in opposite corners and snipe at each other. It upsets that useless Hephaistos - not that I care, but he stomps so when he's annoyed.
Exit Hera and Hermes.
PARIS (dropping his shepherd's crook): Helen! I'm coming, Helen!
Exit Paris.
ATHENA & APHRODITE turn their backs on each other and exit in opposite directions.
APHRODITE: Frigid tank!
ATHENA: Don't make me ask Hephaistos if I can borrow that net!
FIN
ACT I: THE WEDDING OF THETIS AND PELEUS.
Enter STRIFE, bearing the golden apple of the Hesperides.
STRIFE: Somebody drop this?
APHRODITE: What a lovely apple. It belongs to me, of course.
ATHENA: You're wrong, sister. It's mine.
HERA: Now, girls. As Queen of the Gods - need I say more? - it's obviously mine by right.
They commence to squabble and recriminate.
ZEUS (wearily): Hermes, dear boy. Isn't it about time we set the doom of Troy in motion? Go find Paris, and let him judge which of these scheming harridans ought to have the immortal apple. He'll annoy at least two of them. That should be moderately entertaining. And at least Thetis won't come complaining to me that I let the family ruin her wedding.
HERMES: Okay, Dad. Ladies, we're going to find Paris Priam's son, because this is Thetis's wedding, and Dad doesn't want another family war, k?
HERA: If we must.
APHRODITE: Is he handsome?
ATHENA: This is not wise, Father.
Exit HERMES, shepherding the goddesses.
ACT II: A MEADOW ON THE HILL OF IDA.
Enter Hermes and goddesses.
HERMES: Paris, old man! Zeus needs you! Which of these lovely ladies should receive the golden apple of the Hesperides? Don't dally, now.
PARIS: Er. This is... unexpected?
HERA: You can see that the apple is obviously mine. Clearly. But if you should need to know more - well. You look like an upstanding young man. And a prince too, hmm? I can make you king over all Asia, you know.
ATHENA: That's what she always says.
HERA: I do not!
ATHENA: You always say that. And then Father gets huffy. And we all spend a week keeping our heads down until he tires of flinging thunderbolts, or until you take back whatever you promised without his consent. Listen to me, Paris. I am wisdom in war. With my favour, you'll lead armies and gain victories the like of which men have never before seen.
APHRODITE: Oh, like you know anything.
She undoes her robe.
No woman in Greece can match me, but you know what? Helen of Sparta comes close. I'll see to it that you marry her. Screw Menelaus - on second thought, don't. He never sacrifices to me properly.
PARIS (boggling): Er. Yes. Aphrodite. Yes. Her.
APHRODITE: Hah! (To Athena) Take that, you frigid hag! "I'm so great, I win big battles, I can wield a spear" - you're just like a man, with your ugly bronze - no, wait, I take that back. You don't know what you are. Loser.
ATHENA (tiredly): Put your clothes back on, you wanton Kuprian... thing. Father's not going to approve of this, you know. He likes Menelaus. So do I.
HERA (aside): Paris is going to meet a sticky end after this, I guarantee it. Hermes! Where are you? There you are! I need a lift back home. No, let your siblings make their own way back. It'll do them good, and if they miss the wedding party, at least we won't have to listen them sit in opposite corners and snipe at each other. It upsets that useless Hephaistos - not that I care, but he stomps so when he's annoyed.
Exit Hera and Hermes.
PARIS (dropping his shepherd's crook): Helen! I'm coming, Helen!
Exit Paris.
ATHENA & APHRODITE turn their backs on each other and exit in opposite directions.
APHRODITE: Frigid tank!
ATHENA: Don't make me ask Hephaistos if I can borrow that net!
FIN
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Date: 2011-03-27 01:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-27 01:54 am (UTC)