Books 2012: I'm doomed

Still behind on everything. So doomed. So stressed. So avoiding exercise even when it would probably make things better.

Diet is a big factor, and for a number of reasons including but not limited to brokeness, it has not been good lately. Sigh.

Books 2012: 168-169


168. David Weber and Jane Lindskold, Fire Season. Baen, 2012.

Read for review for Tor.com. I roped jennygadget into helping. I fear we rather tore it apart: it is not a good book, especially not for a book aimed at a YA or younger audience.


169. Kameron Hurley, Infidel. Night Shade Books, 2011.

Excellent science fiction that pulls no punches and comes complete with truly squicky worldbuilding nightmare fuel and really gripping, tense, fast pace. Even better than God's War.

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Today I accomplished: one walk, of three miles approximately. Finished a review. Read a book. Asked an interview question. Spent a lot of time feeling like shit.

So, how do I do this again?

I'm avoidant. Which means I'm circling an anxiety-depression drain. That means I know what I need to do to make progress, I'm just having an unpleasantly difficult time convincing myself to do it.

This includes simple things like cooking, eating, and getting sufficient exercise. I may need to declare bankruptcy on some commitments until I can get a handle on where my head is.

Not sure how to handle that. What's the best way to go about getting my anxiety under control? I need to set small, achievable goals. I need not to look at everything and start beating my head in over how OFF THE PLAN I am.

I also need to figure out how to handle my still-on-medical-leave cohabiting parent. I am supposed to receive grant money, and there is a)anxiety over cashflow presently and b)pressure on me to agree to hand over more than I think reasonable, when this is the only money I can count on for potentially a long time.

There is also a problem of setting boundaries. The parent feels free to audit my behaviour and my work habits or lack of them. (This is contributing in a large way to the anxiety.) There is also friction surrounding household chores and maintenance. It is small house. I have tendency not to wash dishes until I need them again, which is usually within 48 hours. I have tendency to let laundry pile up until I need clean clothes. The parent goes... apeshit? Is apeshit the right word? if stuff is not cleaned up and put away right the fuck now, if laundry is not folded and stacked and moved along ASAP. I can't handle this. I really have a hard time seeing urgency in being in a hurry to do something that will only need to be done again soon.

I can't afford to move out. It would be, in fact, good for neither of us in financial terms. I'm just having a hard time negotiating the emotional and social and whatnot when I feel tired all the time and am really failing to excel.

Maybe I should let myself cry, and go to the gym, and feel shitty about how out of condition I am, and cry some more, and feel sorry for myself. I can hold out past the suicidal ideations tonight, and if the exercise bikes are free, it might even feel good.

Sigh. This has been your regularly scheduled I-am-kinda-fucked-up interlude. Madwomen of the world, untie!