So, how do I do this again?

[hawkwing_lb]

I'm avoidant. Which means I'm circling an anxiety-depression drain. That means I know what I need to do to make progress, I'm just having an unpleasantly difficult time convincing myself to do it.

This includes simple things like cooking, eating, and getting sufficient exercise. I may need to declare bankruptcy on some commitments until I can get a handle on where my head is.

Not sure how to handle that. What's the best way to go about getting my anxiety under control? I need to set small, achievable goals. I need not to look at everything and start beating my head in over how OFF THE PLAN I am.

I also need to figure out how to handle my still-on-medical-leave cohabiting parent. I am supposed to receive grant money, and there is a)anxiety over cashflow presently and b)pressure on me to agree to hand over more than I think reasonable, when this is the only money I can count on for potentially a long time.

There is also a problem of setting boundaries. The parent feels free to audit my behaviour and my work habits or lack of them. (This is contributing in a large way to the anxiety.) There is also friction surrounding household chores and maintenance. It is small house. I have tendency not to wash dishes until I need them again, which is usually within 48 hours. I have tendency to let laundry pile up until I need clean clothes. The parent goes... apeshit? Is apeshit the right word? if stuff is not cleaned up and put away right the fuck now, if laundry is not folded and stacked and moved along ASAP. I can't handle this. I really have a hard time seeing urgency in being in a hurry to do something that will only need to be done again soon.

I can't afford to move out. It would be, in fact, good for neither of us in financial terms. I'm just having a hard time negotiating the emotional and social and whatnot when I feel tired all the time and am really failing to excel.

Maybe I should let myself cry, and go to the gym, and feel shitty about how out of condition I am, and cry some more, and feel sorry for myself. I can hold out past the suicidal ideations tonight, and if the exercise bikes are free, it might even feel good.

Sigh. This has been your regularly scheduled I-am-kinda-fucked-up interlude. Madwomen of the world, untie!

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

If you can get to the gym, do go. But don't let those weasels tell you about being out-of-shape. This isn't about them and their lies. This is about you doing something for you, about being in a space where you can do something you like.
I am terrible at managing stress, but what works for me is little bites. I do one small thing and tell myself that I've achieved. It works, after a while.
The parent thing is hard. Parents find it very difficult to let go of the dominant role with adult children and to realise that they aren't in authority any more. And we find it hard not to let them tell us what to do and feel bad when they reprimand us for choices that are, in fact, right for us.
However, the money thing really matters. I don't have any really good advice, but you have my support. You need, if you can, to tell parent that this is about your life for the next very long time, that this is about you building your future, and you can't easily replace it.

[jennygadget.livejournal.com]

"Parents find it very difficult to let go of the dominant role with adult children and to realise that they aren't in authority any more. And we find it hard not to let them tell us what to do and feel bad when they reprimand us for choices that are, in fact, right for us."

This.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

Going to the gym helped. I forget how much I need the endorphin hit. I'll have to start back climbing, as well - free weights are fun, but they don't give you that wonderful wrung-out sensation.

(Thanks.)

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

You know, I sometimes think you and mizkit should see if you could go to the gym together: you both suffer rather from being isolated and feeling trapped, and you live in the same city, I think.
Take care, and hugs.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

I've met her once or twice, but I do not know her.

(The natural state of the postgraduate student is isolation! But I have been granted a study carrel in the nicest building on campus, so maybe I will meet other people soon. :) )

Take care, and *hugs* right back.

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

I will have to find a way to introduce you.
And yay, study carrel! That is good news.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

We've been introduced. I misspeak. When I say I don't know her, I mean... introductions barely count as acquaintanceship. :)

It is! I am very lucky this year, I think. Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

I shall hope that show stays put. You're due some good luck.

[jennygadget.livejournal.com]

* hugs *

I wish I had a magic wand or the perfect advice, but neither of those things exist. (And the latter would just be annoying anyway.) So you will have to settle for internet hugs and lots of empathy (especially on the parent dynamic) when what you deserve is, among other things, to be rich. Or at least have some financial security.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

Oh, I dunno. Perfect advice would be really useful. ;)