Body image, weight, depression, and sundry other horrors of life

[hawkwing_lb]

One of the less interesting and more common side effects of the SSRI known as escitalopram is weight gain.

In the spring of this year - March, I believe - I felt like emotional hell and went to my doctor. We upped my dose of escitalopram by half again as much as I'd been taking to that point.



At that point in time, with a shitty diet and irregular gymming, my weight hovered around 103.5kg. By May, I hadn't changed my diet and exercise patterns, and I'd gained 2kg. I've spent the last two months trying to change my diet and exercise patterns - with some success! - and my present weight is somewhere between 106.5kg and 107.5kg.

I've never been a light person. It comes of being about 5'9 and 22-24 inches across at the shoulder. My lightest adult weight, before I left school, at my fittest, was 85kg. I didn't mind, as an undergraduate, weighing in at 95kg-98kg (that's 209-216 imperial lbs, approximately, American friends) while I was climbing and running: I'd never win any slenderness competitions, but I didn't feel uncomfortably bloated, except occasionally.

At 105.5kg, I dislike the way my body feels. It's too heavy, too bloated, not responsive. I feel like a clod on my feet.

I'm not sure how much of the weight gain I can blame on escitalopram: some, certainly. Perhaps the inability to make inroads on losing it? But while I've started to address my previously-shocking Coca-cola addiction (stopped cold, have broken that resolution with one-two cans per week since, but nothing on the litre-plus/day habit I'd somehow managed to grow into) I still eat more sugary crap than is really recommended.

I haven't managed to quit chocolate cold-turkey yet. It's one of the few things left that give me some modicum of comfort.

But the rest of my life is still made of emotional rollercoaster. I have a thesis to write. My grandmother's still dying. My mother is still on sickleave. The household finances are still not in the Happy Place. I have no local friends right now to see in person. I feel guilty about taking time away from work for hobbies - like climbing or martial arts, where I might see other people. My energy levels are nowhere near where they were even in my final year of undergrad. And when my thesis is finished, if I live so long, I have to contemplate What Happens Next.

I can't keep gaining weight. It makes me even more self-disgusted than I am already.

But changing or stopping the dosage of escitalopram is another giant worry. I don't like depressed mood and suicidal ideations, and for me they're less serious with escitalopram than without.



This, on top of everything else. I cannot handle my shit right now. I do not know what to do. And I am in a mood lately wherein I want to say hurtful things to everyone who was ever kind to me, and then crawl off in a corner and cry until the world explodes.

Mental illness is fucking annoying. The worst part? Right now, I can't even laugh at myself.

Comments

[green_knight]

I've found that trying to give up something completely just leads to cravings and thinking about it all the time - curtailing my intake to a small number is easier, particularly if I say 'I can have x or y or z, and right now I choose x' (or choose to wait and have y later).

At the risk of repeating the obvious: exercising makes you heavier, because muscle is heavier than fat. It also makes you healthier and more flexible (thus less likely to injure yourself) and puts you in a better mood and all that... but it's not an effective weight loss thing. (For me, cutting carbs was, but that's because my metabolism is wonky.)

I feel guilty about taking time away from work for hobbies - like climbing or martial arts, where I might see other people.

Learn from my mistakes: looking after yourself is not an optional extra. If meeting other people keeps your spirits up, you need to do those things.

[hawkwing_lb]

Exercising does make me heavier. But trust me, the gain? Is only a small part muscle.

I'm trying to be better about hobbies. But really, All Is So Time-Consuming.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

You are kind. And box!cats are always amusing!

[jennygadget.livejournal.com]

I am impressed that you managed to kick the soda habit!

But yeah, the rest makes me wish I believed in god so that I could yell at him.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

Not entirely. And I seem to have replaced it with diet 7Up and pomegranate juice in equal measure, which is at the very least less bad. But, sigh. I begin to think I should take a month's trial stoppage of the SSRIs and see how things go...

[foz meadows (from livejournal.com)]

*sends hugs and also magical non-fattening sympathy chocolate*

I'm in something of a similar place at the moment, though for different reasons. I'm a good 30kg heavier than I'd like to be at the moment, roughly 20 of which is pregnancy weight that's proving excruciatingly hard to shift, partly because of all the postpartum health issues I've had, including - but by no means limited to! - the fact that my knees now appear to be fucked, which makes exercising difficult, but mostly because I'm depressed a lot of the time, which makes doing anything - but especially eating well and, you know, going outside at all - hard. Plus, we just moved house, which is certainly something to be glad about, but we don't have a fridge for another four days, which means that literally every meal is takeaway or something fatty from the corner shop; on top of which, I've finally figured out that at least *part* of the reason my knees now suck is that the exercise bike a friend kindly gave me to help get back in shape, and which I used religiously last month, is way to short in the saddle, so that every time I used it, I was damaging myself. AUGH. Anyway, sorry: not meaning to ramble; just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Also, on a different note: will you be at WFC? It would be great to say hi in person! :)

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

Regarding the knees - are you by any chance taking glucosamine and chondroitin supplements? It's not a panacea, but it has helped me no end with the bits that go creak and crackle. For the rest: solidarity. It sucks.

I'm not going to be at WFC, alas. I can't afford it... and also, from Twitter, it's beginning to look like a trainwreck... But my plans for 2014 do encompass Worldcon!

[foz meadows (from livejournal.com)]

Not taking any supplements, no, but thanks for the tip - I'll look into it! Though it's less a creak and crackle problem than a 'stabby pain in the kneecaps when I stand, kneel, lift things or use the stairs' problem. Pregnancy loosens all your joints and ligaments, so I suspect that, plus my weight gain, loss of muscle tone, Smallrus-carrying, bad exercise bike and the four flights of stairs I had to walk up at our old apartment have all combined to form a perfect storm of knee-pain.

And re WFC: howso a trainwreck? I've missed the Twitter discussions of it, so wasn't aware of any issues.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

See here (http://secritcrush.livejournal.com/482228.html) for a wee bit of roundup. The FAQs are a marvel of passive-aggression and finger-pointing elsewhere.

Re the knees: ouch. Physiotherapist? *helps like cats*

[foz meadows (from livejournal.com)]

Noted! That does look icky. Still, in the immortal words of Jane Lane, if the people suck, I can always wear headphones.

And no, I haven't seen a physio about my knees. They've been feeling a bit better the past few days, though, so fingers crossed the ligaments just needed a rest from lifting and constant abuse.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

I will cross the fingers for you!

[resonant.livejournal.com]

I'm on escitalopram too; my weight increased by 40% when I started SSRIs.

The only things that seem to help are a) seeing a registered dietitian, and b) weight lifting.

My co-workers still call me Jabba the Hutt.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

That's... much more gain than mine.

[tithenai.livejournal.com]

I read this all. If there's anything you ever want to hash out in terms of gymming and eating and stuff, I am more than happy to listen.

Quitting soda like that is AMAZING. That is a serious fucking accomplishment.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

I may take you up on that at some point - although I mean, next time I get paid, to see a personal trainer at least once, to see if I can't get Useful Suggestions.

I haven't managed to stop entirely - and I've replaced it with diet 7Up and pomegranate juice in equal measure, at least one of which things is probably still not good - but I figure half a litre twice a week is acres better than a litre-plus per day. (The first three days, I had the most intolerable caffeine headache. *g*)

[mevennen.livejournal.com]

Good luck with all of this. I am on citalopram but planning on cutting it down - I have not noticed much weight gain on it, but I think it is making me extremely tired.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

There is a significant amount of sleep disruption associated with all the SSRIs, apparently. I know mine has increased the amount I sleep as well as screwing around with when and how sleep happens.

[between4walls.livejournal.com]

That's some impressive willpower with the coke. Pomegranate juice tastes better anyway. Any chance of substituting fruit for at least part of the sugary crap? It placates the sweet tooth pretty well, at least in my experience.

Btw thanks for being so open about psych stuff; as someone just starting to deal with this stuff rather than sticking my head in the sand, it's helpful.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

I haven't found fruit helps. My mouth satisfaction is as much about texture as sweetness? So fruit works some but not enough.

If someone else can have things even slightly easier by me talking about my crazybrain, then it's worth my self-conscious self-exposure. :) (Good luck.)

[etumukutenyak.livejournal.com]

The son has a similar weight gain from his medications, and is now working with a nutritionist to make some changes. In his case, he has a tendency to eat All the Bad Things, and to consume larger quantities than he really should. So far, he's begun doing more exercise and watching how much he eats, and has lost a few kilos.

I also gained a substantial amount of weight when taking beta-blockers against migraines; I've never lost that weight completely.

All of which can be summarized: yes, you are not alone in this. We humans have a regrettable tendency to pile on the storage against starvation because medicine.

I'm heading back to the gym this fall because it's a good idea to work out more even if I don't lose all the weight. Being strong helps me feel better anyway. I gave up sodas years ago, and my preference is for carbonated water (aka sparkling water) alone or with fruit juice in, for additional flavor. It has the mouthfeel of soda without the sugar or sugar substitute (which I hate). My main weakness is chocolate...

Solidarity!

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

Life is complicated, innit?

[etumukutenyak.livejournal.com]

Ugh, yes. LOL