Here I am, holding on to you

[hawkwing_lb]

I am very tired of feeling this completely broken.

I'll have a stretch of time - two or three days at once, maybe four - where I'm not swimming through treacle. And then five days, or a week, where everything is exhausting, the smallest things make me anxious, and getting anything done requires an utterly disproportionate amount of energy and effort. It is frustrating. And depressing, because it contributes to a constant background feeling of being a failure. If I can't hardly even manage to get up the energy to feed myself, I am seriously failing adulthood.

And I don't know what to do. Which is a childish plaint.

Sigh. Onwards, onwards. Maybe I can find the energy to complete a small task today, despite myself.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

First of all, you are not failing. That's one of those lies depression tells us. But at the same time, getting through it takes time, sadly. But you will get there.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

It's not depression. I know my depression, mostly, I think. It's just... inexplicable exhaustion.

[atheilen.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry things are hard. You are not a failure, and even if you were I would still love you.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

You are a good friend, and I appreciate your faith.

[sovay]

If I can't hardly even manage to get up the energy to feed myself, I am seriously failing adulthood.

I don't think exhaustion is a moral judgment.

Is your physical health all right? (Rest of comment deleted for irrelevancy.)

*hugs*

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

The problem is, I kind of do think so, despite my best efforts otherwise. I mean, there's no reason for me to be this tired: bloods all came back normal in March, my meds are well enough balanced, it's not like I'm not getting enough sleep even if I do get knocked for a loop now and then and stay up all night fretting -- I usually make up for it by sleeping fourteen hours at a later point. So I must be tired because I want to be tired? Or something.

It is complicated being human, sometimes.

*hugs*