Hospitality: UR DOIN IT RONG

[hawkwing_lb]

As you may already know, O friends, I'm back home in Dublin. I have an amusing anecdote to relate to you all.

My grandmother, who is dying slowly, has been living in my younger aunt's house since her diagnosis, going on six months now with occasional hospitalisations. My mum and I have been visiting her there regularly. My aunt stands within the ranks of the comfortably middle class, with two houses (one of them rented out) and regular foreign holidays (i.e. more than one in any given twelve-month period), two resident daughters (both of whom are working), a kitchen filled with working appliances and no shortage in her fridge.

In all the time we've been visiting Gran, Aunt has never really offered us food even when eating herself - nor have we asked for it. So it came rather out of the blue on Saturday, just before she left the house, she said to us, "If you're ever hungry while you're here, you know..." she said.

"If you're ever hungry while you're here, you know, there's a café down the road past [X] supermarket."

That is so perfectly my aunt.

Do we have a lean and hungry look? I thought to myself. Have we ever asked for food you never offered?

It would never occur to her we might be broke: that my mother has been on sick leave for going on a year and my scholarship is not grandly large and has to cover a whole bunch of things, now. "If you're ever hungry while you're here, you know, there's a café!" (Or perhaps I am over-charitable in ascribing to indifference what could as well be malice.)

I am still laughing. Hospitality: YOU GIVE IT A BAD NAME. "If you're ever hungry while you're here!" For a moment I thought she might speak as I would, and say something along the lines of there's cold meat and yoghurts in the fridge and bread in the cupboard, help yourselves. But it was definitely not shocking to hear her speak otherwise. Entertaining! For it shall go down in the annals as an example of Hospitality: How Not To Do It. But not shocking.

There is a slightly more serious side now, of course. If she ever does offer food in future, we will be obliged to refuse. Having the depth of our unwelcome demonstrated means we must avoid incurring reciprocal obligations: there is no guest-friendship there.

But still, two days later, laughing. Is this not amusing?

Comments

[jennygadget.livejournal.com]

If you are laughing, I shall laugh with you. Although, I must admit that's not my first response.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

Really? What is your first response?

(Some people, like. What can you do but find them funny?)

[jennygadget.livejournal.com]

My first response is to give people who are rude to my friends the stink-eye. In this case though it would be a funny looking stink-eye bc I would be making this face: O.o as well.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

You are a good friend. I would always feed you!

[between4walls.livejournal.com]

The first night I was in Russia last summer, just off the plane, not having changed money yet and the banks all closed for the night, my host said, "If you want dinner, there are restaurants down the street." Because I was totally up to figuring out where a restaurant was, let alone order in my bad Russian or figure out how to pay. I finally ate during lunch break at work the next day (chicken curry blini! It was worth the wait!). Good thing there was tea.

And a year later it's still funny. A lot funnier than it was then.

My mother claims that in Italy it's the worst shame to let a guest leave the house hungry. That's probably her idiosyncratic interpretation, but if I were your aunt, I'd worry. The gods don't take kindly to that sort of behavior...

(Either that or she's planning to do away with you all and doesn't want to incur obligations. Like Saladin didn't want Raynald of Chatillon to drink the water he intended for the thirsty King Guy, since he certainly had no intention of treating Raynald as a guest.... ;-) )

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

The first night I was in Russia...

Oy. That's cold.

(But someone who says that to kin, what would they say to a stranger?)

The gods don't take kindly to that sort of behavior...

Nope. That they don't. But me, I find it funny because it's that baffling. Mum was raised by the same people and she'll never have dinner when there's someone in the house without sharing. And every social more I ever absorbed says offer food to people who stop by for more than a few minutes, even if it's only toast and never eat without offering to share.

So it's so out of the way unusual that I find it sitcom levels of entertaining.

[between4walls.livejournal.com]

The funny thing is the guy's mom showed up a few days later and was a really sweet lady who fed me dumplings and stuff. So I refrained from asking how she raised her son. (To be fair, I am pretty sure there was some miscommunication and he thought he was providing an empty apartment. With no food in it. At all. Which no one communicated to me.)

But me, I find it funny because it's that baffling.

Yes! Like you would eat her out of house and home if she so much as offers you a snack. Yogurt and cold-cuts alone stand between her and starvation! But alas, unwanted relatives descend upon her home like Penelope's suitors.

(There exist in the world people who do eat dinner without offering to everyone in the house? What?)

Ah, family. Better than television.

(But someone who says that to kin, what would they say to a stranger?)

Many have "approv'd the ancient truth,
That kindred commonly do worse agree
Than remote strangers."

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

Many have "approv'd the ancient truth,
That kindred commonly do worse agree
Than remote strangers."

Truth.

[leahbobet.livejournal.com]

...yeah, that's absolutely rude to the point of baffling to me. Someone is in your house even for five minutes? You offer them a cup of tea or water or juice or something. Because it's what you do.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

Yes!

"Do you want a cup of tea or anything?"

"Don't fuss yourself."

"It's no bother, I was [you really weren't] about to make one for myself anyway. Fruit juice? We have biscuits in the tin..."

[nojay.livejournal.com]

There's an old Scottish custom of welcoming the afternoon visitor with "You''ll have had your tea?"

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

"If you haven't, don't look to me to feed you!"

[stillnotbored.livejournal.com]

There is nothing to do with people like that BUT laugh.

And while not universally true, I have observed that frequently people who have the most are the least likely to share. Not necessarily because they are selfish per se, but because it never occurs to them that others might not have as much.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

Oh, indeed. It's like they live in a wee bubble. An opaque bubble.

[glinda-w.livejournal.com]

Yes, that. The less people have, the more they give, at least in my experience.

[tithenai.livejournal.com]

That is completely ... It hurts my SOUL.

When you come visit and stay with us you are to understand in advance that the fridge is yours to freakin' RAID whenEVER.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

That is completely ... It hurts my SOUL.

I know, right? It's just so... I mean, I'm still laughing. Don't get me wrong, it's still freaking sitcom hilarious to me. But it's just so I BEGRUDGE YOU THIS DRY TOAST YES I DO.

Amal, you are awesome, and should I be able to get away I will bring CAKE.

[glinda-w.livejournal.com]

I...

utterly croggled by this.

Am feeling guilty because I have a friend visiting this week, and finances being what they are, have to ask for help with the buying of food. I'm sure I mind this a lot more than my guest does.

In my family, you *always* offer something, even if it's only a cup of coffee and a slice of banana bread.

(I also see the amusing side of this. Very very darkly amusing.)

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

My thought was, if people are eating you out of house and home you say to them, listen, I cannot sustain this, you need to kick in or there will be nothing left in the fridge at all.

I BEGRUDGE YOU THIS TOAST YES I DO.

[txanne.livejournal.com]

How do you eat in front of somebody without offering to share? "I have one stick of gum. Want half?" We learn this when we're three! (For "we," read "humans.")

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

All the eating happens in a different room! This makes all the difference, yes?

[txanne.livejournal.com]

Maybe she's one of the Venusians from Heinlein's Space Cadet? You know, the ones who thought eating was obscene?

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

Hah. You make me laugh over breakfast/lunch.

[sovay]

"If you're ever hungry while you're here, you know, there's a café down the road past [X] supermarket."

τοίης οὐδέποτε Διὶ ξεινίῷ μελήσει, ἀλλ' Ἐρινύσι.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

Hah!

Aletheia! Kalws legeis.

[green-knight.livejournal.com]

I don't think my reaction would have been to laugh, but... oy, veh. If you want to control what people eat - because you have a limited supply of your favorite food and can't get more (particularly if you're eating gluten-free etc), or you've scrimped for/will be doing dinner with [special thing] and don't want it eaten yet, 'can I offer you some toast/cake/chocolate' in place of 'there's food, help yourself' is perfectly acceptable - but 'everything in the house is mine all mine and you can't have any' is... yeah.

I guess you know exactly where you stand with your aunt.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

I guess you know exactly where you stand with your aunt.

We've known for a while. This is just the funniest way she's had of expressing it!

[desperance.livejournal.com]

I am just sayin', but the first phrase I learned to understand in Taiwan was "Eat more!" Because that is what happens: you take your shoes off at the door, and sit down, and they start to feed you and they do not stop. Sometimes it's an effort, but, y'know. You're a guest. You incur obligations.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

The obligation of reciprocity. The obligation of aid-to-the-host. To eat someone's food to owe a certain degree of loyalty thereafter, no?

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

That is extraordinary. I can imagine members of my father's family doing that -- though not all or even most. On my mother's side... They would be horrified. Welsh mothers and aunts and grandmothers and cousins live to feed people.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

You feed people you care about. You offer drinks and snacks to be polite to strangers. "I don't want to feed you," is an equivalent of "I don't want you in my house at all."

But oy, so funny.

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

It is funny, in a very dark way. (My family's code feeds everyone including those you don't want, because Coals Of Fire.)

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

*hums A Lyke Wake Dirge*

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

Methodism. It has... effects.