Generosity

[hawkwing_lb]

Pretty sure LJ is mostly dead, which makes this a safe corner of the internet to ramble to a limited audience...

I've been thinking about generosity, lately, and reciprocity. I've been the recipient of what feels to me extraordinary generosity in terms of people's time, and their interest, and even financially: people have bought me lunch, or occasionally drinks, or given me gifts - a book, or sometimes money - or let me sleep in their spare room/on their futon and fed me in their homes.

And once upon a time - ten years ago, give or take - I would've insisted on refusing their generosity. Because I cannot repay it in kind. And even now, accepting it makes me uneasy on so many levels - am I taking advantage? Am I sponging? Am I a parasite? What are the ethics of accepting kindness from friends?

I suppose I worry about reciprocity more, lately, than usual, because of the peculiar desert of the looking-for-work. I have enough brain to worry, as I didn't in the last months of my PhD. But hardly any income, and lately I begin to worry exceedingly over the prospects of coming by some in a more regular way. And so I am appalling grateful for generosity, because it is by generosity that I feel less trapped - while at the same time having no idea when or even if reciprocity will be possible.

It is a strange feeling. I am not entirely sure I am not mad.

Comments

[green_knight]

I know how you feel, but... life is like that, sometimes.

You're not accepting gifts that are greater than the giver can afford. A few nights on the sofa and an extra plate of food are, to most people, pretty much nothing, and more than balanced by the chance to catch up and talk. It's really difficult to train oneself to think like this when one has no money (and I struggle with this, because when you have no money making only necessary purchases, with the occasional small necessary-for-mental-health purchase is sensible and good practice), but for people with a reasonable income - even if it's not great - there's a certain amount of wriggle room in the budget which can best be summed up as 'entertainment budget'.

I'm trying to think of that as fleeting, whatever it is, because that's better for my mental health. So whether I have a takeaway, or go to the cinema, or buy a book, or buy an online resource, I all treat it as 'I spent £10 and I was entertained and now it is gone'. And in some cases I have the book to hold onto (or not), but I see all of these as 'buying a good time'.

Seeing friends enjoy themselves totally counts as 'buying a good time'. Knowing that friends can buy groceries, or just get a break from the relentless jobhunt *is* a good use of my money, and not just because I've been there on the other side.

If I have a motto, it's 'if you can't return a favour, pass it on.' There'll be plenty of opportunities where you can do something for other people.

It'll all balance out, and in the meantime, the world is a better place. And if you ever need crash space in London, please holler. We're far off the beaten track in a boring part of London, but I'd love to finally meet up.

[hawkwing_lb]

Thank you. Should I get to London, I would definitely love to meet you.

It's just really weird. Really weird.

[swisstone.livejournal.com]

Yeah, reciprocity is good, but a lot of academic generosity is on a pay-it-along model. I was generously treated by people who I wasn't able to repay directly. Instead I've been generous to people who can't repay me in the knowledge that down the line they too will be generous to people who can't repay them.

[hrj.livejournal.com]

Yes, this -- in part. Reciprocity isn't just an exact-for-exact exchange with the person who benefitted you. That's a barter system. Reciprocity is a contract with the world that you will do what you can, when you can, for whom you can while allowing others the pleasure of doing the same.

When I was in grad school and had to be tight-fisted with spending money, I cut way back on socializing that involved money. But I also learned to graciously allow my friends to do what they chose in order to spend time with me. Now that the wheel has turned, I'm always grateful when people who are not as well-situated as I am (and especially when due to things like school, or job-hunting) allow me to enjoy the pleasure of their company without having to worry about whether I'm straining their resources. And without making me feel bad about being able to do so. When I am able to offer hospitality in a way that costs me nothing and yet makes the path smooth for a traveller, there is no exchange, only increase.

Money is far from the only resource people have to share around. The number of people who are creating interesting, entertaining content online is much smaller than the number of people who are consuming that content. A person who has knowledge and expertise can share it out with relatively little cost…to people who would not be able to obtain it otherwise at any price. The ability to make connections -- between people, between ideas -- is another uncommon resource.

And Liz, I know it's going to embarrass you for me to say it, but there is a small handful of people in the world from whom I see *something* blazing out like the light of a thousand stars. You are one of those people. To be afforded the opportunity to experience those Shining Stars is beyond anything I could ever repay. And I doubt that I'm the only person to whom you are stella splendens. Be yourself, as you can, when you can, to whom you can, and there is no debt.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

Like I said in a couple of other comments, I think one of the things I'm struggling with is how difficult it feels to me to tread the line between accepting generosity when it is offered and... not feeling like I'm giving people the impression that I'm always looking for generosity or help when I complain about things? (Among other things, like worrying I'll never be in a position to either pay on or pay back, or worrying that I AM UNWORTHY.) And I complain a lot - it's a flaw in my character.

*is embarrassed* *also flattered and warmed*

[hrj.livejournal.com]

Yes, you have an awkward position because you have multiple layers of transactions going on. There are some very subtle differences, for example, between unsolicited review books, solicited review books, paid reviews, patreon subscriptions, and that's before we get into the issue of purely social connections.

But if it helps: people are remarkably good about happening to have their attention elsewhere when there are pleas for help that they don't want to respond to. So if people offer generosity, it's because it pleases them to do so. There are vast numbers of other people out there complaining about things who get no response.

That is, of course, a problem in the world. "Worthiness" doesn't have much to do with who gets helped and who doesn't. (There are aspects of the culture of crowd-funded charity that I find greatly disturbing.) But maybe you don't *have* to be worthy? Maybe people are allowed to be whimsical and idiosyncratic in how they open their hands to the word?

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

It's social connections that trouble me. (I mean, okay, the social connections overlap with professional ones, which is an odd intersection, but professional stuff doesn't worry me the same way. I provide services for money. Mostly I provide them to people I like.)

Anyway. Brains. Social interactions. Anxiety. Living-in-the-world. Complex!

[etumukutenyak.livejournal.com]

What they said, in triplicate. Also, as a starving vet- and graduate student, I benefited from the generosity of others. I firmly believe in passing that on.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

<3

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

At the moment I'm struggling with the idea that I might not even ever be able to really pay it along. Such economy! So fun!

[katallen.livejournal.com]

Not that I make the best sense over these things - but I think that, like madness, so long as you are worried about it... you're sane/not taking advantage. I've never been particularly good at taking people up on offers of help, nor able to do much to help. But I think that if you are in need, and there is someone willing to help, and you believe that you will likewise do what you can when and if you can, then it's fine. Yes, there are some parasites in the world, but I'm kind of sick to death of people who have little being made to feel bad when there are so many people with plenty who're happy to take more than their due and don't feel the slightest need to pass on their good fortune in any way. Those who chose to help you may simply be doing so because they place a value on your friendship that means you already repay them... by being you and being with them.

*wanders back into the shadows of LJ, gibbering softly*

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

It is sometimes difficult, to tread the line between accepting help when it is offered and... not making people feel that I'm always looking for generosity or help when I complain about things, if that makes sense? Mentally, for me.

Anyway.

*waves as you disappear into the shadows*

[katallen.livejournal.com]

Yes, it makes perfect sense. But then I'm not sure how sane I am :)

[dancing-crow.livejournal.com]

I think both of your above commenters are correct. What I remember about grad school and the gigantic work acquisition scrimmage that followed was that money was tight for me in ways it wasn't for people who had been working all along, or for people blessed with jobs in actual fields that paid actual wages. I did decline a bunch of things from people I didn't trust, but I also wound up being grateful for the generosity of people I did trust, and the thing I trusted was that they did not require to be repaid somehow. That felt important. One set of people were ones I could eventually repay, and we stopped keeping track. The other set of people were older, farther along their career track, doing well, and they were explicit about having been (generally) fed lunch when they were students and young adults, and I should make sure I pay it forward. Which I have made every effort to do.

In other comments, I kind of hope lj is not utterly dead.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

Like I said to Kat, above, I think one of the things I'm struggling with is how difficult it feels to me to tread the line between accepting generosity when it is offered and... not feeling like I'm making people feel that I'm always looking for generosity or help when I complain about things, if that makes sense? Mentally, for me. Among other things, like the fear I'll never be in a position to either pay on or pay back.

Anyway.

(I also hope that LJ is not completely dead, but it does seem to keep getting quieter.)

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

You are not mad: it's not an equal system. We help each other when we can, and are helped in turn at other times and by other people. It's a network.

[hawkwing-lb.livejournal.com]

<3