Generosity
Jul. 30th, 2015 09:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hawkwing_lbPretty sure LJ is mostly dead, which makes this a safe corner of the internet to ramble to a limited audience...
I've been thinking about generosity, lately, and reciprocity. I've been the recipient of what feels to me extraordinary generosity in terms of people's time, and their interest, and even financially: people have bought me lunch, or occasionally drinks, or given me gifts - a book, or sometimes money - or let me sleep in their spare room/on their futon and fed me in their homes.
And once upon a time - ten years ago, give or take - I would've insisted on refusing their generosity. Because I cannot repay it in kind. And even now, accepting it makes me uneasy on so many levels - am I taking advantage? Am I sponging? Am I a parasite? What are the ethics of accepting kindness from friends?
I suppose I worry about reciprocity more, lately, than usual, because of the peculiar desert of the looking-for-work. I have enough brain to worry, as I didn't in the last months of my PhD. But hardly any income, and lately I begin to worry exceedingly over the prospects of coming by some in a more regular way. And so I am appalling grateful for generosity, because it is by generosity that I feel less trapped - while at the same time having no idea when or even if reciprocity will be possible.
It is a strange feeling. I am not entirely sure I am not mad.
I've been thinking about generosity, lately, and reciprocity. I've been the recipient of what feels to me extraordinary generosity in terms of people's time, and their interest, and even financially: people have bought me lunch, or occasionally drinks, or given me gifts - a book, or sometimes money - or let me sleep in their spare room/on their futon and fed me in their homes.
And once upon a time - ten years ago, give or take - I would've insisted on refusing their generosity. Because I cannot repay it in kind. And even now, accepting it makes me uneasy on so many levels - am I taking advantage? Am I sponging? Am I a parasite? What are the ethics of accepting kindness from friends?
I suppose I worry about reciprocity more, lately, than usual, because of the peculiar desert of the looking-for-work. I have enough brain to worry, as I didn't in the last months of my PhD. But hardly any income, and lately I begin to worry exceedingly over the prospects of coming by some in a more regular way. And so I am appalling grateful for generosity, because it is by generosity that I feel less trapped - while at the same time having no idea when or even if reciprocity will be possible.
It is a strange feeling. I am not entirely sure I am not mad.
no subject
Date: 2015-08-01 04:56 pm (UTC)It's just really weird. Really weird.